Hurtful Helpers

When we see that others are suffering or anxious, it is easy to become anxious ourselves.  In our anxiety we want to fix or minimize whatever is stressing the hurting person.  Thus we say things that minimize the concern.  We try to put a lighter spin on their situation to diminish their pain (and our own anxiety).  We do this to unburden the person who is suffering, but in the process we devalue them and their current attempt to cope.  Perhaps we even rob them of a conversation with God!  If we presume to triumph over the pain that rightfully belongs to another, we trespass. Try to avoid the following traps:

• Doing for people what they need to do for themselves
• Making assumptions about what the suffering person is thinking or feeling
• Fueling the fires of conflict by validating anger
• Claiming shared sorrows as more yours than theirs
• Breaking confidences
• Advising people about what they “should” do, think, or feel
• Assuming what you’re hearing is the unbiased truth
• Dwelling on facts when feelings need to be processed
• Focusing on behaviors when feelings are being expressed
• Stepping into a triangle in an attempt to fix a conflict
• Judging actions or reactions as good or bad
• Failing to follow through with promises
• Reassuring people that things will be OK when you don’t know that they will be
• Suggesting to people that their faith is inadequate
• Requiring explanations or justifications for thoughts or feelings expressed
• Changing the subject
• Being emotionally out of sync (vacant, cheery) or over-emotive

Try to avoid diminishing concerns with clichés like these:

• God is testing you
• Big boys don’t cry
• This too shall pass
• Get on with your life
• What’s done is done
• Could be worse

See “Wanted: Good Listeners” in the Dares and Gambles section.