Confronting Behavior

1. Forget the delusion that you can control anyone’s behavior but your own. What you can control is your home environment.  Don give up control of your home.  House rules are needed.  They provide a way to clearly lay out acceptable behavior. 
2. Reasons or excuses are never substitutes for good behavior.  Accepting promises, excuses, manipulative behavior perpetuates the likelihood that destructive or risky behavior will recur.  The first step to new behavior is admission that there is a problem with present behavior.  Accepting excuses blocks recognition…the first step to change.  Once the need to change is owned, behavior is more apt to improve.  The concern needs to be owned by the offender.
3. Words (lectures, treats, reprimands) are weak adversaries where bad habits are concerned. Taking away consequences is like taking the teacher out of the classroom.  Rescuing and over-protection actually leads to resentment and more acting out. 
4. Behavior occurs because it leads to a connection with something valued. Peers are valued, endorphin rushes are valued, belonging is valued, big wins are valued. True spiritual redirection requires finding these things in other venues, with other friends.  Grounding puts distance between the person and what they love.  That’s just the first step.  New relationships, surrogates are needed….not just new friends but connections that are valued. Support and motivation are crucial to change.
5. Regret and guilt are nonproductive.  Stay focused on the goal of guiding your children into maturity.  Don’t abandon your role when you get discouraged.  This is not an easy task.  The adversary is everywhere.  Be as wise as a serpent, as innocent as a dove.   Matthew 10:16

-- Adapted from Setting Limits, a Hazelden publication