Caregiver Virtues

Patience
One of caregiver’s greatest temptations is to do for others what they can do (and need to do) for themselves.  It’s sometimes easier just to do things for people than it is to watch them help themselves. We don’t like being bystanders, we are action oriented.  We would rather avoid the mess.  We don’t want to risk the fall, or stand around waiting.  We have things to do, so we say “Here let me help you with that.” We insist “let me wheel you over there” when walking would yield greater benefits. The problem with impatience is that it creates a lack of self confidence in the recipient of care.  When people are made to feel inadequate in their abilities, dependency, anxiety, resentment and depression can result.  Waiting for fragile people to walk takes time, but it’s time well spent. It strengthens them in body, mind and spirit.  Teaching self care takes energy, but there is a return on the investment.  Take the time to watch and cheer.  You will benefit from this.

Shared Authority
When we fail to give others the opportunity to choose what they want to wear, eat, watch or endure we devalue and annoy them. When this happens we risk being manipulated. The person who is unable to directly control their situation will often try to control it indirectly, in passive aggressive ways.  Interpersonal tension, sabotaged schedules and emotional sniper fire are bound to result.  Battles of the will can be avoided if care receivers have a say in the matter when choices are possible.  Be proactive.  Give credit where credit is due.  Take a break from calling the shots.  Try to create a relationship grounded in mutual respect and shared power.

Sense of Self
We too can become manipulative and passive aggressive when we feel we are helpless in our life situations. Caregiving is a hard trek on a seemingly endless steep road, but the journey is a little more tolerable if it is perceived as a choice. Choosing requires the claiming of self, naming our needs, our desires, our options, then strategizing around how both the self and the other can be cared for simultaneously.  It is a trap to see oneself as a victim.  Victim identity leads to resentment which leads to guilt which perpetuates self neglect.   Every child of God has a right to be treated with respect, dignity and integrity. The self is no exception.

Sense of Grace
Most caregivers need constant encouragement to ask for help or set boundaries.  Time out is crucial for sustaining caring relationships.  When we fear bothering others, or let guilt get in the way of seeking help we isolate ourselves.   Pride is not a virtue.  Ask others for help and trust that they can deliver.  If you don’t know where to turn consult someone who can help you find the competent help you need.  Accept the generosity of friends and neighbors.  As long as you don’t abuse it, the invitation should strengthen your relationships with others in the world around you. 

Sense of Shared Obligation
According to a 2001 Met Life Mature Market Institute report, family caregivers provide 80 % of all long term care services. According to Arno, informal services are valued at $306 billion a year, more than twice what is being spent in nursing home and paid home care combined. (See www.wellspouse.org).  It needs to be said that caregivers are a virtuous population to which the world is indebted.  This generosity often lingers unrewarded in loneliness.  No one person should ever have to bear the brunt of caregiving alone.  The remnant of folks in society who are exempt from caregiving need to be called to task.  Yes they are busy, but they still need to be asked.  Be kind but assertive and persistent in seeking support.  If you state what you need repeatedly you might get it!  Why fret about alienating people who aren’t there for you anyway?  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.